wind

i wish i could have learned the things
i learned from you without losing
the things i lost
i wish i could have the memory
of the way i felt under the stars
watching our breath rise into the darkness
my heart chanting to the moon and thanking her
you telling me how i was made of stars
how i may even be projecting
a light that could be a star to someone else
somewhere else, some time else
without having the memory of you walking away
of me staying with you even though
we both knew you were going to leave

i wish i could fit it all into a box
and tuck it under my bed and take it out
when i want to feel it
not have it sneak out of my pocket
and into my brain
when i am walking down the road
thinking of work and cleaning my house
and the friends i laughed with the night before
i wish i could hear your voice again

i wish i could look at you
unseen, when you study
learn, teach, dream

i wish i could feel as beautiful
as i did when i was naked
next to you

beautiful and brilliant and strong

and now i'm weeping and lonely
and angry with myself and you and time

i saw an empty pack of dorals in my trash
the other day and I felt
like someone hit me in the stomach

i was doing pretty well at tricking myself
into believing that you were never really there
never quite here

but you were

I still think about you