the seventh wave

i turned on the tv just in time to see the las 10 minutes or so of Pretty Woman.
yeah, cheese central. i don't think i ever thought this movie was fantastic - probably just entertaining.

it occurs to me now though that movies like this (stories like this?) have invaded my subconscious in some pretty heinous ways. at the end of the movie, despite the heroine saying she doesn't want to go with him, the hero makes a Grand Gesture and wins her, just like we'd (and she'd, no doubt) hoped.

this is love?

i've spent a lot of time and hope waiting on Grand Gestures from people i dated. i've thrown down the Gauntlet of Ultimatum in complete expectation that it would be lifted up and cast aside with a Grand Gesture. this is a foolish game. we are not, in reality, as individuals, disposed to make Grand Gestures. they're more foolish and dangerous than the Gauntlet of Ultimatum.

truth, too, is that even a shadow of a Grand Gesture, in the face of an already stated desire for a different outcome (whether false gauntlet or not), is met with resentment.

when Richard Gere came clamoring in with opera and horns and shouting, climbing the fire escape, why did she not say "hey, asshole, i said no. i have other plans now!" ?

trying to think of other movies and stories that have the Gauntlet of Ultimatum and the Grand Gesture. i am sure there are plenty of them.

hmm

last night i ran water in the bathroom sink just to watch it go down the drain.

as a result, i had a dream where i was watching water go down a drain and a man was behind me, watching and cursing, saying the direction that the water was swirling indicated the onset of bad weather.

i dreamed, then, about watching a storm come in, over and over. each time, i remembered details about the last time the storm hit, though no one else around me seemed to. each time they delayed in preparing for it, becoming distracted with other things and ignoring my urgency. no one seemed to realize (or care, particularly) that i had been through it before and could, somehow, make us less vulnerable to its wrath if they listened and watched and paid attention and let themselves fill with fear awe urgency respect fear.

bartleby

in the haze and bright light
of living
i never saw you
until
after i'd heard the news and the card
you sent
stuck on my refrigerator with a magnet
has been there for months
in the hope
that keeping it up
and looking at it every day
and noticing you
will keep you here

no going gently
i would prefer not to
lose you
before we ever met