(no subject)

I just can't stand the sight of you on a grey day ...
it's warmer today ... hovering around freezing and overcast with a forcast for "winter weather" this evening - sleet, ice, the works.
Work is almost unbearably loud today. it's slowing down so everyone is talking, socializing ... congregating in too close proximity to my desk. it makes me want to run and hide ... longing for silence. Though, thinking about it, there is not much silence in my life at all. Even at home something is always going - the radio or tv. somehow that noise is more tolerable to me than people talking. Granted, I'm not exactly splitting atoms here but it's making me nuts.
Time to continue my search for drug induced mood control.
on the bus this morning, someone was talking behind me so loudly that I had visions of elbowing him in the head ... not exactly aligned with the buddhist ideals of compassion.
jackie is talking to debbie again, it seems. they've been invovled in conversation for some time this morning. I'm glad for jackie, who desperately missed debbie, but it's sad to watch the cycle start again.
okay, one more person added to the mix in here, combined with a dog chewing on a squeaky toy ... time to go for a walk or something ...

(no subject)

I ahve got to write back to Tim. The truth is that I have no interest in talking to him on the phone, much less seeing him, and I don't really know why. It doesn't seem fair of me to feel that way (since when are feelings fair, though?) after 16 years of friendship. Our last fight was just too much, maybe. I guess in most cases one would try to avoid someone who said awful things in the course of a disagreement, but that's not my concern. The things -I- said were horrible and mean and I don't like who I was. I don't like who I am around him ... to a greater extent, it's the problem I run into with my family, maybe because I have known him for most of my life. I feel like I am set in a role which no longer identifies me, but from which I am not able to escape. At the same time I find myself not liking him and that's hard to take. So comes the division. You can not like a family member and still love them, still gather with them at the holidays or whenever, look at them and sigh, know you love them. I do love tim, but I don't feel the same obligation to 'play nice'. It's no good. I'll have to think about it some more. Maybe I just need time. But we havent really spoken in months and I only started to miss it recently ... and lost the nostalgia the first time I heard from him. What the hell is my problem? As it stands right now I dont have a single confidant. George is too close and he frustrates the shit out of me sometimes. I need to get in touch with Xio. Teej and I barely speak - my fault, no doubt. Could I start another paragraph on her? Sure.
I think she's great. I love her like crazy. I don't trust her. I don't feel like I can tell her that without her thinking I am being petty or unreasonable. She saw me at my weakest and judged me rather than hold me up. Not only do I not trust her, though that was a year ago now, but I trust the world less. Someone that close ... I wish I could go back. Our time this summer was great, but I don't think she'll ever get that close again.
Pleh. This is not making me feel better so far.

(no subject)

it's a bitter heirloom handed down, these twisted parts we play
been too faithful all my life. it's time to let you go.