saints march out (march 17, 2005)

and on closer inspection
i realize
that my wings
are glitter and glue
on cut out cardboard
and my halo
is a circle of tin
shaped with fool's hands
my magic wand
(how it cures all ills!)
molded plastic
from turning boxtops in

so i'll sit myself here
an ordinary girl
in the dust
of a slightly
slipping down

beast feast (april 5, 2005)

in the grace of earned fortune
i see lines betrayed
retreating backward
from false pretense
and misread intent
to find comfort and
in sameness of color
recapitulated horror
and all things

anointed rush out
and in comes
the beast feasting
on her bitter heart
taunts for angry joy
love in metered doses
too close to touch
too far to run
instead i stand
and take the fists
on fallen saints
and angels
with cardboard
nobody but you

nobody can save you but
you will be put again and again
into nearly impossible
they will attempt again and again
through subterfuge, guise and
to make you submit, quit and/or die quietly

nobody can save you but
and it will be easy enough to fail
so very easily
but don't, don't, don't.
just watch them.
listen to them.
do you want to be like that?
a faceless, mindless, heartless
do you want to experience
death before death?

nobody can save you but
and you're worth saving.
it's a war not easily won
but if anything is worth winning then
this is it.

think about it.
think about saving your self.

- Charles Bukowski
mazzie: (Default)
( Jul. 4th, 2007 12:01 pm)
by Langston Hughes

Little dark baby,
Little Jew baby,
Little outcast,
America is seeking the stars,
America is seeing tomorrow.
I am America.
America--the dream,
America--the vision,
America--the star-seeking I.
Out of yesterday
The chains of slavery;
Out of yesterday
The ghettos of Europe;
Out of yesterday
The poverty and pain of the old, old world,
The building and struggle of this new one,
We come
You and I,
Seeking the stars.
You and I,
You of the blue eyes
And the blond hair,
I of the dark eyes
And the crinkly hair.
You and I
Offering hands
Being brothers,
Being one,
Being America.
You and I.
And I?
Who am I?
You know me:
I am Crispus Attackus at the Boston Tea Party;
Jimmy Jones in the ranks of the last black troops marching for democracy.
I am Sojourner Truth preaching and praying fir the goodness of this wide, wide land;
Today's black mother bearing tomorrow's America.
Who am I?
You know me,
Dream of my dreams,
I am America.
I am America seeking the stars.
Hoping, praying
Fighting, dreaming.
There are stains
On the beauty of my democracy,
I want to be clean.
I want to grovel
No longer in the mire.
I want to reach always
After stars.
Who am I?
I am the ghetto child,
I am the dark baby,
I am you
The blond tomorrow
And yet
I am my one sole self,
America seeking the stars.
mazzie: (I'm crushing your town)
( Jun. 26th, 2007 11:15 pm)
It's hot
And you don't even know your name
The longest day of the year
Scraping around the bottom of the bottom
Too hurt to move
Too tired to care
And there is that face
Shining and radiant
She loves you so much
Wants you to do well
To be well
She believes in you
Keeps your faith

It's Monday morning
And you're sober for a change
Her smile stirs you
From your bottomless pity
Of your so sad self
Long enough to roll out of the sweat stink stain
Into the cool crisp sheets
And will her away

mazzie: (I'm crushing your town)
( May. 25th, 2007 06:54 am)
You're a tangled mess
Wrapped up in your sheets
Stinking of sweat and whiskey
Waiting for birds to start their din
Tell you what they know

So you wanna be a recluse
Stay in bed today
Ignore the phone and the door
Pretend sunrise never happened
Untwist yesterday and the sheets
So you can pull them over your head
And stay

Bukowski might say
(Nothing, you idiots
Bukowski's dead!)
Today is a fucking mongrel
Snarling and growling and barking outside your house
Demanding to be let in
I would have to agree.

mazzie: (Default)
( Apr. 29th, 2007 04:54 pm)
my hands on my lap
palms up
except for the tears
rolling off my cheeks
each one
bearing our time
counting the space
between my heart
and yours

missing you
is like holding
an empty cask
cracked and dried from disuse
faintly scented
from a long-gone spirit
resonating with
the nothing it holds
mazzie: (Default)
( Mar. 24th, 2007 10:36 am)

I've no right so early on a saturday morning
a saturday morning after a week of dismal lows and lovely highs
a week of destruction and disarray and demands
beautiful flowers, shining faces, music that makes me laugh 
the phases of the moon described with clenched fists held high
as planets and stars above pints of beer and apple martinis

I've left boxes piled in corners and in the middle of the floor
not unopened, but peered into and rummaged through
from time to time in search for something very specific
I still can't find my favorite black sweater
there were some things I left behind

so these last two weeks I've been stomping around
fighting with the bank and words and my heart
declaring from any rooftop I could climb atop
I'M HAPPY         and
adding to the clutter in my house
peering into places of hurt, rummaging through 
for something very specific
I still can't find the moment turned to dust
there were some things I left behind

I entreat the universe to be kind 
show me my strength
keep sending me books 
and the lazy crescent moon lying on her side
second hand Gurus and heartfelt prayers 
as boys riding on bikes
and potted plants loitering 
as amused bystanders
allow me to see the divine 
in all things
with four feet on the ground 
and an open heart 

mazzie: (Default)
( Jan. 30th, 2007 11:35 pm)
sleep knows no bounds here
in the land of the free
and the home of the

oh, bother

slip thee to the sepulcher
of rustling cotton
and down
of quiet clipped
british accents
and puppy dog snores

hold dear
and fast
memories of savannah nights
and pig tailed girls
and singing

sleep knows no bounds
take away the rest
the tired the weary the
hungry masses
bid them
fairy tale dreams and
happily ever after
until the very
mazzie: (Default)
( Nov. 15th, 2006 12:32 am)
feathers float up
like fairy dust
from the coat he
ripped as he threw
you to the ground

the sleeves hide
your hands and it
falls below your knees
and you wrap it

around you tight
with your eyes closed
and your face calm
because you say

it don't matter
you don't need no help
you just want to sleep
wake you when it's time

for the nurse
the exam
the detective
and your ride home

lay your head down
take your peace
and feathers float up
like fairy dust
mazzie: (sk)
( Oct. 21st, 2006 09:48 pm)
She stomped in
Hair a mess
Sweater all pilled
Skirt too short
Boots too high
And socks she knit
When she was on the train
And babysitting
Then she spilled the roe
All over herself
As the sushi
Tumbled to the floor
And her saki
Got cold
So we laughed
And stabbed in her direction
With chopsticks we spilt
All together with a snap
She was a minute behind
And we love her
Even though
Without undertanding
She wants us
To love her
Photo 786.jpg

mazzie: (Default)
( Oct. 9th, 2006 09:11 pm)
October creeps in
spreading the foul odor
of leaves clinging together
on cold pavenment
pasted with rain and mud

the sky hangs low
a heavy grimace
inviting the chilling damp
of frost on iron
and brown on green

pray with me for winter
and chill that can extinguish
the grey false hope
and cover the dead
with layers of white
mazzie: (Default)
( Sep. 26th, 2006 10:26 pm)
and in that moment
I feel lost

when the sun rises
and i stir in bed
waiting for what's next
what's after

i feel
that someone
is there
waiting, like me
for that
one sure
one true

I think
it can't always be like this
I wasn't meant to be alone
waiting is like floating under water
just below the surface
seeing the sun
and not feeling its warmth

biting my bottom lip
sighing without relief
reaching for the cool spot
under my pillow

and dreaming of sleep.
mazzie: (Default)
( Aug. 29th, 2006 10:25 pm)
i wish i could have learned the things
i learned from you without losing
the things i lost
i wish i could have the memory
of the way i felt under the stars
watching our breath rise into the darkness
my heart chanting to the moon and thanking her
you telling me how i was made of stars
how i may even be projecting
a light that could be a star to someone else
somewhere else, some time else
without having the memory of you walking away
of me staying with you even though
we both knew you were going to leave

i wish i could fit it all into a box
and tuck it under my bed and take it out
when i want to feel it
not have it sneak out of my pocket
and into my brain
when i am walking down the road
thinking of work and cleaning my house
and the friends i laughed with the night before
i wish i could hear your voice again

i wish i could look at you
unseen, when you study
learn, teach, dream

i wish i could feel as beautiful
as i did when i was naked
next to you

beautiful and brilliant and strong

and now i'm weeping and lonely
and angry with myself and you and time

i saw an empty pack of dorals in my trash
the other day and I felt
like someone hit me in the stomach

i was doing pretty well at tricking myself
into believing that you were never really there
never quite here

but you were

I still think about you
mazzie: (sk)
( Aug. 18th, 2006 05:04 pm)
You showed up in that buddha tee shirt again
And that shit eating grin that kills me
Because you think you're so smart
But you never seem to notice
You're so fat
And we all cringe every time
You open your mouth

You never seem to get it
We don't care how broad or true your smile is
Or about your big old heart
It doesn't matter when you can't go sleeveless
In the little tanks all the girls wear
And you read Pnin instead of Lolita
The New Yorker and not Vanity Fair

You would rather watch MASH reruns
Than get caught up in the OC
You listen to the soft rock station
Hell, you let your hair go gray
35, still single, and renting from friends
You have no right to be so damn smug
When everything about you is so damn wrong
Photo 610.jpg

mazzie: (Default)
( Jun. 8th, 2006 10:48 pm)
he took my self
she said
stole my truth
left me for dead

this is how it goes
and nobody knows

it's just one hit
she said
get my high
and leave my head

this is how it goes
and nobody knows

a little cut
she said
let me know
this girl ain't dead

this is how it goes
and nobody knows

i'm coming back
she said
took a breath
and moved ahead

this is how it goes
and nobody knows
you spent the day
thinking about tomorrow or
what if because
it would only make you doubt
and weep
and you pushed yourself
one step
in front of the other until
don't think
and then the first laugh
struck out -
a bell in the fog

sweet amber poison and
knowing grins
left you snickering and howling
until the rest
melted away like yesterday's frost
and this now
stuck you with a giggle and you knew
this is
i am telling you this
this is
the good outweighs the bad
the good outweighs the bad
and shared laughter will sweep away
the rest
mazzie: (Default)
( Jan. 11th, 2006 10:57 pm)
five dreams
came rushing into the real tonight
and I wept
and I let them go.
mazzie: (eyes)
( Jan. 11th, 2006 07:28 pm)
it's like
when you're sitting on the train
reading that book and suddenly
it gets really sad and the words
tap at that little box
that you've been hiding
in the corner of your mind
full of the last three weeks
of saying you're just fine

and then you're weeping and sputtering
right there on the train
like a stranger

and that loud voice
the one that sounds like reason
demands whiskey please
and now

it's my secret, see
i don't need that
soft voice in the night
or those
tender arms to hold me tight
i've got reason
enough to believe
that i'm just fine
when sweet amber poison
mazzie: (Default)
( Dec. 6th, 2005 10:31 pm)
even small things
can change the world
when they are done
with great love.
mazzie: (Default)
( Nov. 14th, 2005 10:20 pm)
i have
good friends
warm bed
strong convictions
ancient fears

i give
mixed signals
unconditional love
wild crushes
all of me

you are
tall trees
shining moons
falling leaves
blue skies

you give
last dances
lifting up
the good word
on precious love

you and me
my friend
are all it takes
to give it all
and be

us together
pushing up
pulling forward
tracing laughter
telling stories
getting on

in honor and praise
of broad shoulders
deep laughter
and knowing gazes
you are my friend.